Tight Spaces Does Not Guarantee Intimacy
Dec 03
Over the last two years or so, I have explored a new way for the church to gather. Some call it House Church other Organic while some call it Simple Church. All are based off of the need to remove the crippling effect of organizationalism which inhibits or impedes intimacy and to replace it with an atmosphere, environment which promotes intimacy. I want to talk about this a little bit.
Location, Location, Location
In my experience one of the key elements of Organic/Simple/House Church (OSH going forward) is the almost unified voice on location. For the most part I agree. OSH believes that structure can often time impede fellowship and again I don’t deny that. Structures that do not allow or encourage intimacy (the main reason we meet) amongst the family of God should be modified so that it can promote/encourage Intimacy. I understand the old mindset of coming to church and the architecture built so that people can be in awe of God (or now so people can be entertained and have a cool place to hang out), but a careful look at the scripture may calls for a different reason to meet and anything that impedes that (Hebrews 10:24-25) should be removed.
However, just because we move location doesn’t necessitate that intimacy will be generated. Intimacy is a matter of the heart and like Mr. X said
Just because a cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn’t make them biscuits.”
Intimacy being encouraged and modeled is the responsibility of Elders. As the Shepherds in the local fellowship, they are to first model what Christ wants then teach why it is important. If those in the OHS have the same mentality of the TC then though we are closer doesn’t mean that intimacy will just happen. It takes hard work.
Making Intimacy the Foundation of Community
One phrase that is catchy among OHS’s is “God is a Community”. In other words the Trinity is the quintessential or the epitome of Community. The Gospel is really about the Trinity opening their door and inviting us to partake in this fellowship. We will enjoy this fellowship forever after the summation of all eschatological events transpire! However, God didn’t stop there, He decided that this reconciliation/intimacy is now what we are to extend to others. God doesn’t invite you or me, He invites us into community with Himself which means we have community with one another.
Again, this is not accomplished by proximity. This is accomplished by a dependence on the Spirit to remove barriers, boundaries, fears, distrusts, past pain, failure, guilt and condemnation from among the people of God in order for us to get real open and honest about who we are. Until people figure out who we are and how we can help one another pursue Christ, community will never occur. I don’t care what structure you find yourself in. If we refuse to let down all of our guards and truly love others and let them love us, we will never experience the type of intimacy we have been created for.
Just think about it, if Adam and Eve would not have sinned we would all be naked today. None of us would be clothed, we wouldn’t have houses and fences or bedrooms (I don’t think, but I guess physical intimacy would be a bit weird between husbands and wives 
). We were created in a perfect environment and things would have continued that way.
Love Others and Trust God
Theoretically I embrace this truth, practically I am here and this truth is about 10 miles from the sun, light years away. Ash, left a comment and I responded that it was scary. I remember Calvin Clark my previous pastor telling me we must trust God alone and love everyone else. I am honest I am afraid to that. Practically it makes me cringe and go hide under a rock, that type of transparency can cause hurt beyond comprehension. I understand that is why spouses who exchanged beautiful vows, raised children together, have slept in the same bed and has done everything that accomplishes all of that can be the most bitter rivals when it comes to divorce. They know every flaw and when divorce comes on the horizon they use it to utterly destroy one another!
The type of intimacy I believe Christ wants between us is very close to this. I believe Christ and Paul is calling us to this type of fellowship throughout scripture and my friend it is as risky as it comes; however, we will never be able to put God’s love on display if we don’t. Most community is superficial. People only know what we want to share and so most of our relationships stay superficial and we see that because it is so easy to walk away from our relationships. From one church to the next, from one friend to the other, from one spouse to the other. This shouldn’t be.
Again spouses share the same beds, roommates the same space, coworkers the same buildings and we are practically strangers to one another and we wonder why nervous breakdowns and mental disease and depression is eating Americans alive.
In Closing
I want to be honest, I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface but I want to, but I am scared. Shame, guilt, condemnation are crippling. Though the scripture says Christ bore all of it. He bore our shame, guilt and condemnation in His body on the cross and that should free us to be ourselves and pursue intimacy but often times it doesn’t. What will people think, will they accept me, will they use this information as ammunition, will people trust me, will they love me? We can stand on top of each other and it won’t matter. Tight spaces does not guarantee intimacy.
Lionel said: I want to be honest, I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface but I want to, but I am scared.
Amen. I’m with you, pray for me.
Somebody once asked, what is worse, not ever being in love or being hurt by those you love. I have lived by the first but would rather experience the latter.
So………does intimacy necessarily mean letting all the cats out of the bag?? Is it possible to have an intimate relationship with someone and they not know EVERYTHING about you? Does biblical intimacy have different levels or should I be equally intimate with all Christians? How open is open?
Vetta,
I think those “cats” are often times scratching at the inside of the bag and causing internal damage, guilt and shame often cripples.
If these things are no longer struggles or problems or are not damaging to the future of the relationship then I say no, but often times this is not the case, we are hiding and holding back for a reason.
If it is someone you are in community with then the answer is no; however, since there are many Christians I don’t know, I am sure the answer is yes. I can’t be intimate with people I don’t know, but the next question is do I not know them because of some barrier I have erected.
Good question? What do you think? How open is open?
Vetta,
Let me add another question. Why did you ask these questions?
I think open is as open as the relationship allows. I’m not going to have the same type of relationship/intimacy with everyone I know because I don’t think that’s necessary. I think some barriers are okay because they are put up by wisdom (for instance, if I know a Christian who is always judging others’ sin I am not about to be open and intimate with that person. Their judgemental attitude has just become a barrier)…..like not everybody can handle the conversation you, Jeff, and me had Sunday over the phone about freedoms and liberties (it started off with Tonex but it took a sharp turn, remember?). To someone who’s not open minded and open to challenging/being challenged, they would have been all kinds of faces at us.
I don’t think it’s necessary to bring up past sin that won’t benefit anyone involved just for the sake of “getting to know someone.” That’s why I put the emphasis on the word “everything” because I don’t think “everything” is necessary.
For the record, we should not put up sinful barriers (race, age, culture, etc).
I asked those questions because I wanted to know what you and others think about them. I have my own ideas, but I am open to being challenged.
I agree brother Lionel.
Homes, caves, cathedrals… no place has the advantage… I think Jesus summarizes it best. When asked what mountain, what place or what place we must worship, he simply said, worship is not achieved by showing up to the right location, it is achieved “in Spirit and in Truth.”
@ Hutch/Lionel (comment #1) – It’s going to be scary because it’s contrary to your natural inclination, which is probably to protect yourself. Once you begin to take those steps, it’s incredibly liberating, especially when someone else is able to encourage, teach, exhort, rebuke, etc. you. At first, I would be offended (on the inside) but then I realized that they were looking our for my best interest and wanted me to grow. I will definitely be praying for you guys on this.
@V (comment #2) – You must let all of your cats out of the bags immediately! j/k.
What I hear is this, and correct me if I’m wrong but it’s like – OMG, I’m about to tell this stranger all of my business. When it’s really more like – this person and I are working toward a relationship. As other relationships progress naturally, these should too but you also have to challenge yourself to be open and honest with the other individual. It’s almost as if there’s a barrier in your mind regarding intimiate relationships with other Christians v. just regular ol relationships. Idk, I could be way off base here.
I also agree with what Lionel said in comment 4, the first paragraph 1. In paragraph 2, I agree but to add to that, you can still share those things that are no longer problems/struggles to encourage another person who may be going through it and share how the Lord changed you or the situation or worked it out for you.
@ Lionel (comment #3) – How open is open? – There’s a guy I know, a believer, and when you ask him how he’s doing, he will tell you EVERYTHING. At first I really didn’t know how to handle that, especially since I was used to most people saying – fine, good, or something of the like. After a while, I really began to admire his openness. In essence, he’s saying – Man I really struggle and I don’t have it all together. – Which opens the door for others to encourage, pray, relate, etc. Sometimes it was very helpful to me because I was struggling with the same thing. If he had never said anything, and if I hadn’t either, no one would’ve been encouraged, exhorted, accountable, etc. Now, I realize that everyone isn’t like he is but it’s something that I’m working toward. We’re all members of the same family and we need to help one another progress toward maturity. How can we do that if we don’t let others see us transparently?
@ Joe (comment #7) – I like what you said.
Sometimes I think I may be too intimate with others but when I find out that a person is a believer, it’s on. The door is open and you are responsible for me and me for you. Idk why that’s exciting to me. Maybe I’m weird.
Vetta,
I said that we don’t need to bring up past sin that do not benefit; however, we do need to bring up past sin that is crippling us.
As in a previous post, http://www.lionelwoods.net/2009/11/theres-fellowship-and-then-theres-fellowship/#comments, about the circles in which a person is located, I would assume that it would present an appropriate barometer for intimacy. Those in the inner most circle, whether family or not, should be allowed to see into your inner most character. Those who are in your outer circle should know a little less and those in your far outer circle even less still. This all to be done under the guidance of scripture for wisdom, because of the masks that people wear them.
Jesus said to beware of dogs; these are sometimes those who we appear to be in the closest proximity to. I am one who loves and tries to fellowship with all professing believers, but that dream sometimes becomes a nightmare because I do not have the ability that Jesus Christ did to see inside everyone.
This is especially a tricky subject for us as African-Americans because of the perceived value that we were supposed to be putting on family and our intimacy with family.
Intimacy is as important to us as believers that we had better find a way to get it right. Our safety and security in the reality of fellowship could be at stake.
I pray that God gives us all the grace to love our neighbors as ourselves and breakdown those artificial and unwarranted barriers that are sometimes imposed.
Ash-
ROTFL!! I’m keeping ALL of my cats!
Upon further reflection, here’s what I’ve come up with:
*I think I pre-judge future experiences based on bad past experiences and they end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecies….and this isn’t just with strangers. Strange thing is I am more welcoming with strangers than I am with people I know.
*It just so happens that it has been Christian relationships that have hurt the worse. Maybe it feels that way because all of my close relationships have always been with Christians.
*No matter how many times I get hurt, I always dust myself off and try again. I still work toward relationships after I’ve been hurt. So far so good with this round, though. Lionel and his wife are wonderful and our other friends Ryan and Melani are great. This is as initmate as I have been in the last few months. This is my inner circle. Now I do have some outer circle relationships but we are not too far from scratching the surface….
Regarding Transparency…
1.Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
That was following right on the heels of Paul stating why we should do such—Ephesians 4:20-24 –as our old self which loved pleasure was demolished and we’ve been given new minds and hearts created in HIS LIKENESS….and if Christ/God is transparent with us and not for lies, why should we be different?
Whether in a building, at a barbecue, in a living room or who knows who…….all of us have to wrestle with the question of whether or not any of us are really REAL….
LC said:
“This is especially a tricky subject for us as African-Americans because of the perceived value that we were supposed to be putting on family and our intimacy with family.”
The dynamic of African American’s who call themselves Christians and Church Life itself is worth a post brother!
Vetta,
Someone said on my facebook post of this “Jesus never held back so niether should we”.
LC,
I think you are right about the dogs but what about when they are just immarture/carnal and they hurt us?
Vetta,
So you are saying holding back is okay? If so are you putting that under the umbrella of “wisdom” and if so can you give me some scripture? I think this will open up the conversation even more.
Gabe,
Right on brother, but what about the concerns Vetta and LC raised? In a society (especially the bible belt) where everyone is Christian, how do we live and move?
Lionel-
I’m saying holding back for WISE purposes is okay. Proverbs 8:12 says, “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion.” We have a right to be discreet in matters of intimacy, however, this discretion MUST be filtered through the discernment that only comes by God’s Spirit; otherwise, holding back would be sinful
I tell as much as will be helpful to the individual with whom I am in relationship. Also, there is a time when the age of the individual or their gender, is determinative of either the content of the conversation or the way in which it is communicated, out of respect. I think that when we realize that only God is judge and that Christ has borne this judgment for us, then we can be as open as necessary. We only answer to Him.
BLD,
You said “I think that when we realize that only God is judge and that Christ has borne this judgment for us, then we can be as open as necessary” I think without this we are in trouble and why most people are afriad to pursue this intimacy. At least it has been for me. I know cognitively that I shouldn’t protect myself but the past pain cripples me. Not to mention, I don’t like shallowness so that also cripples me.
I sort of engage people and if I fell that the relationship won’t go beyond some shallowness, rather that is meething together in a church/house church or just hanging out, I check out at the door. I am the poster boy on how to lose someone in a day. I put up barriers right away depending on how people respond intially and from there that gauges where I will go. Sin I know but I am asking the Lord for strength.