Church Shopping
Hey blogging buddies. I will tell you, that I am in spiritual funk like never before and it all revolves around church. I am not one who can just walk away and do church alone, especially with the many churches that surround me. So what follows will be real personal for me…..
I don’t know what to do anymore. I am an idealist through and through. There are so many options out here, there so many little pockets and denominations and I feel like I felt back in 2003 when I came into the knowledge of the Gospel of Grace. Actually I feel exactly the same and it has lead me to a point of spiritual depression, and that has effected my personal life, there is this constant pulling of anxiety and I can’t pray it away, study it away, read it away, or ignore it. This anxiety keeps me up most nights and clouds my prayers most time. I think about church almost all portions of the day, in meetings, watching television and while I am driving. Speaking of driving, I have probably driven my wife crazy through it all.
I honestly wished and have been praying that I could just be the guy who doesn’t care. I wonder why do I have to be the guy to question and toil and read, and engage and disagree. I wished I was the guy who could just go on Sunday, listen to the sermon, help by being an Usher, or help with the parking lot, give my money and sit passively by and do it again next Sunday. I am frustrated that I am not that guy.
I have come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Someone once told me about my idealism and those words are now live in living color in front of my face. So I want to give in, throw in the towel, forget the information I have learned and become the guy on the back pew. I really want to, and I think I am at that point. I have currently tried to drown out my heart with noise, but as I said earlier the thought of “church” consumes me. There are two main reasons for this. The first being, I understand, know and affirm that we were created for community, I understand that Christ died for a people and that people are to be His reflection, body, temple, incarnation on earth. This can’t be done alone, nor do I think it is healthy to do with 6 or 8 people either. I honestly believe that Jesus wanted us to meet much more collectively than many organic fellowships are saying. There is a beauty in the corporate meeting that surpasses much of anything called beautiful today. Secondly, which comes the problem, is that the church is an organism, and I believe this is what Jesus and His Apostles were building. What goes over today as church really chaps my hide. Organizational leadership which takes its cues from worldly principles, multi-level management, employing worldly marketing to grow, entertain and even compete with other “churches” for scare resources (the unchurched) and other such devices disgust me, I will not and can not allow my family to be part of such deformity of Christ’s body, it seems to be counter-christian in every way possible.
So where does that leave me? Well, first let me talk about some other things first. I have certain doctrinal bents, these bents make it difficult also. One of those bents is my hermeneutic. I have a New Covenant Hermeneutic and when I hear preaching and teaching that is 180 degrees from it, I become uncomfortable. The subjective selection of OT Law used to be posed on the Body of Christ, to me, is unacceptable. Terrible exegesis and exposition is unacceptable to me. I am not talking about disagreeing with the interpretation, I am talking about sloppy and man-pleasing interpretation of the scripture. A plurality of elders is very important to me and I think is the ONLY acceptable church government and this has many, many practical implications folks. Finally I think meetings in which teaching is interactive is important. This isn’t a hill I will die on, but one that I think is very important.
So back to where does this leave me? I don’t know, I have all but given up hope, but what I do know is that it has drained me both spiritually and physically, often times I just want to go to sleep to quiet the constant thoughts that run through my mind, I can’t write, I can barely think, and often times opening the scriptures and praying has become a task. That alone scares me, because I have always come to the scriptures with eager anticipation to hear from the Spirit and to be conformed to Christ’s image. But a part of me feels disobedient or too picky, and I am sure that I am both at this point in time. I love the Church, I enjoy meeting with, encouraging, teaching, admonishing and I enjoy when other saints do the same to me. I am afraid that Community Apathy will sit in and this usually leads to a group of guys drinking coffee and having little to no commitment to any particular group of believers. Now let me note that I do believe that all of the one anothers are to be obeyed with every Christian we come in contact with, but I also believe that God has so designed that we do this with particular groups of people also. This concept is called the local church, but I don’t want to take it there because this has also contributed to the great Christian divide.
So again I don’t know what to do. I also have a wife and I have to take all of her concerns into consideration also. I am not allowed to make this decision alone and she wants something more on the traditional side, something bigger than a “house” church but not something too big (which is a relative term itself). I have often seen groups that I like. I like New Covenant Bible Fellowship , Crossroads Bible Fellowship and Messiah Baptist Church (as you can see I am baptist at heart LOL).
So I am at a crossroad today, the fork on the left leads to apathy, the one on the right….. well, I don’t know. It is so difficult to search for churches and one thing that I really feel is important is location, as location can have an adverse effect on living out church life. Man, I don’t know what to do, but I am tired of looking and fighting, biblical church membership (not formal but really knowing the people and covenanting with them) is very important. Biblical teaching is very important (with the opportunity to live this out and see it lived out, not pulpit to pew) also. I believe the Lord has us in this area and wants us to stay in this area (DFW) and this has nothing to do with jobs or family, but everything to do with where the Lord has us.
So please pray for my family, I want my wife to also have a place where she feels comfortable, but a place where I think at least those important things are faithfully met. I love the Body of Christ and want to obey Jesus by living out all of the one anothers with a select group of believers, I don’t want to run and hide or live independently either, I think that is unhealthy even in the short run, but I have not found a place where both of us can do this with joy.
I am a Financial Analyst, husband and father of 3. I currently reside in the Dallas Ft. Worth Metroplex. I enjoy reading and writing about ethics and ecclesiology specifically from a New Covenant/Organic perspective. I hope you find this blog challenging at least but more importantly edifying.
27 comments
Praying
Lionel I pray that God will give you direction and peace…I love the flow of your writing.
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I definitely understand where you are, mainly because I’m in the same situation. It can be very difficult thing to find a solid church, with sound teaching and real community, which is something I find very odd since we live in the Bible Belt (I’m in Houston) with 2 or 3 churches on every corner. I will definitely be praying for you and your family and I encourage y’all to continue to pray and search. Please don’t fall into being a passive part of the Body; it’s not the way He designed it. The Lord is faithful and will definitely lead you where He wants you to be. Even though it’s difficult, continue to press and look to Him for everything, including endurance, perseverance, and strength. I’ll be praying for you guys.
Thanks Ann!
Thanks Ashleigh!
Lionel,
Remember that fellowship takes on many different forms and God takes us through different seasons in our walk with Him. Stay encouraged and continue to “preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. For the time will (has) come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” – 2 Tim 4:2-5
Thanks JP!!!!! See and you proved Hutch wrong you didn’t even bring up eternity
Find a church where you can serve others. Focus on what you can give and not get. Find a church that is committed to the Great Cause, including reaching the nations AND its own community.
Advice given in love.
Thanks Brother Dave. Do you believe there are churches that don’t allow you to serve others?
You have to be my alter ego that lives in Dallas with a better vocabulary to describe what I feel. Brother we are in the same boat. I constantly find myself goingthrough the same scenes until it made me leave the church. The only reason I went back was because my wife wanted to attend a traditional church. She actually stated that maybe Iwas the problem and I had a prideful nature that made me think that I knew more than others. So this was the reason I challenged authority in the church.
So when we get the answer maybe we can makes somethings happen. I have read the church planting books, heard the mesages on churh planting but none of them address what is going on as you have said. They are cookie cutter and have a sense of this is the wya to do it or it will fail.
I was thinking just this morning that Constant Reformation has lead me to always challenge myself to learn and grow without losing sight of the pressupositions. ( Christ is Lord, saved by grave through faith, etc.)
Hello all,
This resonates with me. I am also in this situation. My life has been renewed and opened by God’s glorious offer of grace and faith in Jesus Christ. I would also like to add that I am also deeply concerned since I also have a longing to be with a community that I culturally identify with in terms of the gospel. I want so earnestly for the environment to be of love and of sound mind and of peace. I will be in prayer for you and continue in supplication for all of us in this situation. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I don’t want my wife to be weakened by my fondness of seeking truth. I love truth and believe this is one of my dilemmas about just caving-in found in Hebrews:
1 Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, 2 and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. 3 And this we will do if God permits. 4 For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. 7 For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. 8 But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.
9 Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. 10 For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. 11 And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, 12 so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
Let us pray earnestly and always. Thanks
Be encouraged brother. I sometimes feel the same way and wonder “what is wrong with me.” Following is the advice I give myself.
First, despite rumors that we should be like the NT church, I think we have instead created an Idol of Her instead of a model. The NT church was full of conflict, strife and division, yet by the power of the Spirit She became/and is becoming the unblemished Bride of Christ.
You only hope, extend to those with whom you disagree the same grace that Christ gave you. When the differences are not “Gospel” difference do not divide over them. Instead, love, correct, train and encourage where you can.
To bad you don’t live out near me, I think you would enjoy hanging with my church family and I would love to have you around for coffee and discussions brother
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Hey Lionel,
I can sure relate to this. Can you start something in your living room? Do you have another family or couple close by that can help you start a church? How far are you from Hutch? Would you like to hook up on Skype? Let me know brother… Mike
I think too much has been made regarding church as a gathering. Very little is said in the scriptures about church meetings, but what is said makes it clear that they were anything but a lecture and those lectured to. However the main theme through the NT is being the church all week long, functioning in the “one anothers” repeated often in the epistles and walking in love as emphasized in 1 John. As you expressed, church is community. Gatherings where Christ centered people joined in genuine relationship allow the Holy Spirit to move as he will through each one are certainly encouraging and upbuilding. Still, allowing the word to be fleshed out in us all week should be the main purpose of the gathering. You sound like a person who is truly passionate for God and truth. It’s hard for to imagine that Father would let you thrash on the end of the rope over concern about church. Could it be that he’s pleased when he looks at your heart and just wants you to throw in the towel joyfully so that you can simply rest in him?
Hey Lionel,
This northern brother appreciates your honesty and is standing with you.
Mike,
I think we do, the problem for me would be the goal, I don’t think 5 or 6 couples meeting together long term is what Paul had in mind as a long term community. What are your thoughts sir? I was really challenged by your post on “apostolic tradition”. I really enjoy the teaching format and structure of you guys meeting. Don’t you have some posts about how you meet and why, can you give me the link to that Sir?
Elder Brother Aussie John,
Thank you very much, I spent a great deal of time praying this weekend and I appreciate you joining me in that endavor!
David,
What does that rest look like Sir?
Larry,
Man… that is where I am today, I think my constant seeking and wrestling has distanced my wife from the very community I was trying to get us into. I think Joe may be right about the idolizing, I was more idolizing the form more than the function of community. I wanted to get all the nuts and bolts right and have become a pharisee of sort on “community”, “NT Church”. Wow, every passion can easily become that thing and end up missing Christ whom we first attempted to worship in the beginning. I will be praying for your family brother, and though this is only online I promise you as a brother to be praying!
Michael Adams,
BTW, I would like to be more traditional in some aspects as sometimes our desire to be “organic” may end up polarizing people that need the community we are pursuing. Especially as it relates to diversity.
Is this the agonizinglyhonestchristianity blog?! Lionel, I can do nothing but appreaciate your openess and honestly. You are laying yourself transparent (as we all should) and it has blessed me to read this. I almost felt like I was in the same room with you watching your facial expressions and body language as you typed this. I could see the anguish. The hunger. The despondency. But, I’m right there with you.
When I look at our Tuesday night gathering, I realize that it isn’t near “organic” as Viola describes it. However, I can’t help but feel that God is blessing us as we meet together. I realize that we’ve only scratched the surface. I too wish that I could just pawn this stuff off on someone else……
Thanks brother, I think formula’s are dangerous, I think we can have good foundations but when we employ formulas over “organic” development of the local church that could lead to more problems than solutions right LD?
Trying to “force” a formula would be very dangerous! It can produce the worst type of fruit. (I have in mind, here, becoming a cult) One can do no better than to struggle/wrestle through the process, with prayer and teaching, and allow the Spirit of God to do the forming.
Lionel… do you mean these?
http://thegospelinreallife.com/category/the-church/
Also… I think waiting for a minimum number to start something new is a matter of personal preference. I don’t think there is Biblical precedence for it. Would you agree? BTW… we are no longer at NCBF. We left last March or April.
Mike
Where are you guys now Michael? What happened if I might ask?
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